forgetyourusedtobe | Є020 spam/text/video

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Є020 spam/text/video

spam - abigail.

[Elena doesn't know if she's still here or not, but she still moves quickly through the halls to her door. Elena's only a little relieved to see it still there. Truth be told, she's a little nervous about seeing Abigail again. She doesn't know what to expect to find. Elena has hopes that Abigail's still the same at the very least. Maybe better. She hopes not worse. She's also not sure if Abigail is going to want to see her or not. It's an irrational thought, but it's not exactly an impossibility either.]

[In the end, Elena decides it's impossible to separate nerves from actual likelihoods and straightens. She glances down at herself briefly before taking a deep breath and knocking.]

spam - dean.

[Elena has two more stops after she's done with Abigail. The first of which, she's not nervous about. Dean's going to be annoyed. He's going to probably offer up a lecture or, at the very least, give her a very stern talking-to. And then he's going to get over it.]

[She's not worried about whether or not his door is there. She knows he'll be there and sure enough, he is. Elena knocks on the door lightly and folds her arms.]

spam - bond.

[Elena almost doesn't come to this door. She almost decides that instead, maybe she should just send a message. But she decides not to do that. That would probably be his way of doing things, but it's never been Elena's way. So, instead, she walks up to his door to find it still there. It's not quite as unsurprising as Dean's continued presence, but it's no less a welcomed sight.]

[The last time she was here, it was to say goodbye. And he invited her inside.]

[Things between them had changed a lot between the two of them since she first arrived. He's probably going to be pissed she came back. He might not get over it as fast as Dean. But it's okay. She'll withstand the disapproving looks and maybe threaten him with a hug if he really doesn't knock it off.]

[Elena raps on the door.]

[Elena takes some time to look at the network after she's made her visits before she starts sending out a few messages.]

private - chris.
i missed you enough to come back.

private - cassel.

i'm back.

private - mal.

i see he was here. is it stupid for me to ask if you're okay?

video.
[There are others, so many others, that she could send a private message to. But Elena decides to leave it there. No doubt some of the ones she might get in touch with or track down have already heard through the grapevine that she's back.]

[Elena sits down at her desk and flips the video feed on.]

Hey guys. I'm sorry if I didn't let you know personally that I'm back. There's a lot of you and I tried to get to as many as possible. [She purses her lips a moment.] I see a lot of you have left, too.

[She's mostly referring to Arkin. She hopes that wherever he is and whatever he's doing that he's okay. But that is neither here nor there.]

But there's also a lot of you I haven't met yet, too. My name is Elena. For those of you who don't know, I used to be an inmate. I was here... [She pauses to think.] ...about nine months before I graduated and left.

I'm sure someone else has long-since beaten me to it, but if you need anything or have any questions, let me know. This place can be pretty rough and trust me when I say it helps to have friends.

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[For a second, when Abigail opens the door, she doesn't speak. She can't. Because she gets her hopes up, and it's halfway through opening her mouth to speak that she chokes on her words.]

[This can't be Elena. Elena promised that she would take the rest of her life as her own. Something new was going to start there, and Abigail was going to be all right with it. She was - is - happy for Elena, because she was getting what she wanted, what was right for her.]

[Everything was okay, just as it was, not as Abigail wanted it. She was surviving. Not thriving, but surviving. And now.]

[This girl who stands in front of her, well, she can't possibly be Elena. Elena, who's gone. Elena, who was going to live her life far, far away, somewhere she could be happy. That girl could not have come back to this place, to learn to hurt all over again.]

[Abigail's face goes slack and blank. She says nothing. Just looks.]

[And then she slams the door in Elena's face and slides to the floor, her palms pounding the ground in a silent, sobbing frenzy.]

[Go home!]

[Elena doesn't try to offer up an explanation or try to push Abigail one way or another right away. She lets Abigail process it and take it in how ever she wants or needs to. But then she sees Abigail shut down and her expression go blank. She tries to move forward to bring Abigail to her, anything to keep her from shutting her out right away.]

Abi--

[But Elena only gets that far before the door is slammed in her face. Elena raises her hand to knock again before faltering and simply placing her hand flat against it. Elena purses her lips and rests her forehead against the door. She expected Abigail would be upset, but she expected more anger than this. She didn't expect to feel like she had taken a knife and twisted it in Abigail's gut. Anger she could handle, but Abigail's tears are difficult to listen to even more so when she knows she's the cause of them. Elena listens to her on the other side of the door silently before she slowly goes down to her knees.]

It's okay, Abigail, [she says in a voice just barely above a whisper, her thumb stroking the door as she puts her ear to it.] It's okay.

You promised you wouldn't let anybody treat you wrong.

[It comes out under her breath, barely audible. It's like there's something lodged in her throat, like a bolus, clasping tight to both sides of her windpipe. She can't breathe. She can barely think. Everything aches, like she's been crying for a hundred years.]

You said you'd take care of yourself first.

[Her hands are raw and beaten on the bare floor. She rests her forehead against the door.]

Something bad is coming. I don't understand why you're here when something bad is coming.

I know, I know...

[Elena squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, looking for that center she needs to organize her thoughts and find the right words.]

I couldn't do it, Abigail, I tried. I'm sorry. I-- [Elena draws a shaky, but steadying breath as she opens her eyes.] I need my brother back. If there was any other way to do that, I--

[She stops herself short because she's not sure if that's entirely true or not. The last thing Elena wants to do is to lie to Abigail now. Or ever for that matter. Too many people do that to her as it is. Elena smiles weakly.]

For what it's worth, I missed you.

The Admiral is going to treat you wrong, [she says into the door, sharp and stubborn.] That's not supposition. That's a fact. You know that.

[But she says she tried. And Elena wouldn't lie to her, Abigail's sure of that if not anything else.]

[She bangs her head gently on the door, just once, and then pulls herself to her feet. When she opens the door, she looks down at Elena with teary, unsure eyes, and she is not smiling.]

I missed you, too.

I think I'm mad at you, a little.

[Elena looks up at Abigail and nods a little. It's fair. She leans back and gets to her feet.]

It's okay. You can be mad at me. [She glances briefly at the floor.] I know I broke my promise.

[Hesitantly, Abigail reaches out her hand to take Elena's.]

I'll get over it. Honestly I think that makes it worse. That I'm selfish enough that I'll get over it because I want you to be nearby. Because part of me is happy you're going to be around, even though it's going to be terrible for you.

[She sniffs.]

I didn't graduate. Obviously.

[Elena lets Abigail have her hand and returns the hold with hardly a thought.]

Not yet.

[Soon. Someday. Whichever.]

[It's never an easy road to graduation for anyone; even those who arrive already halfway there and far less mired in the struggles Abigail finds herself in every day, but Elena believes in her all the same. Even back in her world when her mind would sometimes wander to Abigail, wondering what she was up to and if she was okay, she never once faltered in the belief that she was making steady if slow progress towards graduation. Abigail was so much stronger than when she first arrived, when they first met. Elena just hoped she had been able to see it for herself, or at the very least that Ben could always remind her on some level.]

[Elena brushes some of Abigail's hair back behind her ear with her free hand.]

I'm sorry that I had to come back. I didn't really want to.

[She wouldn't have made promises or even bothered to try if she had wanted to stay. Why anyone in their right mind would want to be here or consider it home, she'll never know or understand. But Elena is desperate and desperation makes people do incredibly stupid things. This is one of them.]

But seeing you, getting my brother back? It's going to make it all worth it no matter what happens.

[Elena recognizes on some level that may or may not be true. But she pushes any doubt of that aside because she knows she's going to need to hold onto that to make it through to the other side of this. If she has any hope of making a deal, this is what she needs to know to be true.]

[Her lip trembles. She looks away, ducks away from Elena's touch and grits her teeth fiercely.]

Don't tell me it's because of me. I can't stand that. Tell me it's because of your brother, or someone else you want to bring back, but don't blame this on me, Elena. It's not fair and it's not right.

[As much as she's glad Elena's here, as much as she's missed her, Abigail would not want to be the cause of Elena losing her freedom again. Sure, she can leave now if she wants, but she probably won't. She's stubborn and willful, and she's seen herself through so much, she'll think she can get through this. And she can. Abigail just isn't sure she won't come through scarred.]

No, Abigail, I'm not blaming you. I didn't--

[Elena sighs, rubbing at her forehead. She's screwing this up. Not that there was any particular way of handling this that would be easy, but she could be doing better with this than she is.]

[She looks over Abigail's shoulder into her room for a moment and it's only then that she realizes she's stilling hanging out in the hallway. Elena slowly drops Abigail's hand, folding her arms. Maybe she should have waited to come here. But it would've probably hurt Abigail more if she heard from someone else that Elena had come back than if she came here before she saw anyone else. It's an uphill battle right now and one that Elena will inevitably lose if she keeps pushing, so she opts for a retreat.]

You obviously need space, [she says, bringing her gaze back to Abigail.] I have other people I need to see anyway to let them I know I came back. So um. Just take your time, okay?

[For a minute she wants to say no. No, don't go. It's so hard to be alone, even now, after having been betrayed what feels like a hundred and one times. She doesn't want to have to sit in the quiet and think about the pain that Elena must be feeling to be back here, and that it's apparently in part her fault.]

[But it'll be worse if Elena's here. Abigail will say things she doesn't mean, or only partially means, and it'll just hurt that much more to have to look at her.]

[She shakes her head and backs into her room, crossing her arms and looking away.]

Sure. Go talk to whoever you need to. Get settled back in.

Just . . . be careful. [That sounds stupid.] I don't know.

I don't know.

[Elena nods a little, reminding herself that even though she feels a little hurt by Abigail's withdrawal, but Abigail is likely trying to work through and process is worse. She starts to turn to leave, but stops. Just for a second. Because it's important, Elena realizes, that Abigail never forgets one thing no matter what happens between the two of them or how mad or hurt either one of them might be.]

I love you.

I love you.

[She doesn't even consider not saying it back. She could be that petty with anyone but Elena. But she doesn't think she loves anyone but Elena.]

[She says I love you, and then she closes the door in Elena's face. Maybe that makes her a bad person. But she already knew that, really, and it doesn't make the words any less true.]

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