forgetyourusedtobe | Є021 spam

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[Since writing in her diary, Elena hasn't been able to touch it. She had taken to writing into it every day again after she turned her humanity back on. It's helped her keep herself afloat, express things that she knows she needs to so she never feels herself pushed back in the wrong direction again. But she's still feeling a little too empty and numb from Dean's departure. She's handling it better than she thought she would. But there's still just something so very important and essential missing now. She tells herself it will take time and she halfway believes herself.]

[Today, Elena is attempting to write in her diary. She's moved out from her room and is sitting on the deck with it. Her back is against the arm of one of the benches, knees brought close so she has something to write on. But all she's managed is the date. After a while, she closes it and lowers her legs, tucking the diary and her pen underneath them and instead decides to watch the sky above.]

[Eventually, she goes to the library and plucks out the copy of Pride and Prejudice she might as well just keep with how many times she's taken it off the shelf. She used to love it. Then she hated it. Now it was just something familiar and she was content enough to curl up with it in one of the chairs. She doesn't even bother to put it down once she gets hungry enough to make her way to the mess hall. Elena's senses are sharp enough that she can multitask reading and not crashing into anyone in the hallways. She takes her pint of blood substitute and makes her way back to her cabin. Elena's still not one to drink in front of other people if only because she knows it's probably off-putting and likely nauseating to them.]

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[Abigail is in the library, looking for . . . something. She doesn't know what. But everything she's been reading lately seems dull now, disconnected and disjointed. Poetry frustrates her, and biographies have never exactly been her thing.]

[She comes in as Elena's coming out, sees what's in her hands, and gives a shy, if slightly awkward, smile.]

That again?

[Elena looks up from the page she's reading and it takes a moment for her to shake away the world she was just absorbed in to the one she's in now. She returns a smile to Abigail.]

You know how things always look different in the dark at first? Then you flip on the lights and it takes a second for everything to come back into focus?

[She makes a small gesture with the book.]

It's kinda what I'm going through with this. I've read it...I...[She continues with a small laugh.] I don't know how many times, but it seems different this time around.

[She considers this. It seems almost too much of a statement to believe. Then again, Elena often seems like too much to believe lately. Too good, too kind for someone like her.]

Brighter, [she offers.] More.

[Like Elena herself, who Abigail never expected to see again.]

[Her smile widens and softens all at once.]

Yeah, [Elena says with a small nod.]

[She's felt disconnected from Abigail lately. Elena hasn't been particularly avoiding Abigail any more than she's been avoiding anyone else. To the contrary. She's actually wanted to see and talk to her countless times. But she's tried not to push it.]

[Elena recognizes that Abigail has the capacity to be bad for her. But she also has the capacity to be good for her. And so does Elena for Abigail. She's had too many relationships at this point be tainted with one person pushing what they want for her. Hypocrisy aside, Elena doesn't want what she has with Abigail to be tarnished by something like that because that will just push and pull them apart. They'll make mistakes of their own along the way instead (because perfect was never in the cards for them and both Elena and Abigail are okay knowing that). Things might get bruised. But they'll come out the other side stronger and closer together for it.]

What about you? Anything in mind or just browsing?

[Glancing at the stacks, Abigail runs her fingers over the spines. Spines. What a terrible word. She wonders who chose to apply it to bound paper, and why; what was going through their mind when they did.]

I don't know. I want to read, but it seems like such a strange concept right now. Like something I used to do when I was somewhere else in a completely different place, for reasons that don't make sense to me anymore.

I was thinking about poetry, but. It's even worse. [She snorts.] Maybe Shakespeare.

[Elena thinks vaguely to herself that Abigail is trying to find something normal. Or at the very least, something that she recognizes as normal that isn't destructive. It's not a bad idea. Elena isn't sure it will help Abigail much in the long-run, but sometimes you have to think in the short-term to even come close to the long-term.]

Honestly, I kinda needed the No Fear Shakespeare versions to get through English class.

[But she supposes she can see the attraction to it. At least with some of Shakespeare's tragedies anyway, maybe less so his comedies. There are threads of a larger fabric that Elena knows Abigail relates to and questions her relationship toward whether it's a damned spot or an antic disposition.]

[But maybe Elena is wrong. Maybe she's looking for something lighter.]

Yeah, it's not really . . . something that I'd read for fun. I don't know. Maybe I should just give up and watch movies instead.

Maybe it's because, you know, Ben tells these stories, and they seem so much more real than any story I could read.

[Because sometimes they're about her. Sometimes they're about him. Sometimes they could be about anyone. They're easily generalizable, and so appealing.]

[Her hand falls to her side, and she looks at Elena sidelong.]

You could read it to me. Pride and Prejudice. Maybe that'll turn on the lights.

[Does that mean they're okay? Elena's not sure if she wants to get her hopes up for that just yet. There are still a few things between them that probably need clearing before they can get back to that level where they were before.]

[But there's a time and place, right?]

[Elena smiles, trying not to smile too wide like she believes all is forgiven. Put aside. She can settle for that right now.]

I could. But only if you promise to tell me if it gets boring. Or, you know. [She laughs a little.] You get sick of hearing my voice.

[She waves dismissively.]

Your voice doesn't get boring. You have a nice voice.

I'd tell you if it got boring, though. Then we could just talk.

[This last almost shyly. She wants to just talk with Elena, the way they used to. Maybe this is an extension of friendship after all, even if an uncoordinated one.]

[It was hard to keep her hopes under control before, it's near impossible now at the invitation. Elena doesn't even bother to try and hide the relief. It's there in her smile, in her eyes, in the way she nods, in the slight sway of her body side-to-side. She feels lighter.]

I'd like that. I'd like that a lot, actually.

[She glances down at their feet briefly before slightly offering her hand. Elena hopes she's not pushing it too far too fast, but she's trying to remember to say things that she feels and thinks instead of always thinking there will be another chance or that it's not important.]

I've missed you.

[It's sweet. It's almost sweet enough to take advantage of. But even Abigail's better than that. Anyway - she was just about to reach her hand out.]

[Elena got there first. Elena keeps getting places first. It makes her jealous. But she'll catch up someday.]

[Abigail takes her hand and leans forward to kiss the corner of her mouth, quick and cautious.]

I missed you, too.

I don't want to miss you anymore.

Me neither, [she replies softly.]

[Elena misses too many people as it is and some days it feels like all she can feel is how much she misses people. She misses the people who lost their lives. She misses the people she left behind at home. She misses the people who have left this place for better places.]

[She doesn't want Abigail to be another person to miss. There's always the risk of it. That's the risk involved in caring about anyone. But if there's something Elena can do to prevent it, she wants to do everything she can. There's so very little she wouldn't do for Abigail.]

Do you want to go to one of our cabins?

[Somewhere private and quiet. Where Elena and Abigail can just be with one another.]

[She is slowly beginning to learn that very few things with no risk involved are worth doing. There's just a difference between knowing that, feeling it, and acting on it. She thinks she is being brave with Elena now. She hopes she is.]

[Elena deserves someone who will be brave for her.]

[She strokes the back of Elena's hand lightly with her thumb, and nods.]

Yes, please.

[Elena smiles and doesn't say another word until they make it back to her cabin. There's still a lot left unsaid, things that they will need to talk about sooner or later. But there are also plenty of good things that are best unsaid, too. And for the time being, she's content to be in that part of their relationship where they feel safe and warm. Secure.]

[And maybe that's what she missed the most about Abigail was that security. With everything that was constantly in upheaval around and between them, there was still something unerringly stable about the two of them.]

[She reads Pride & Prejudice out loud to Abigail, knowing that the lights have already come back on again.]

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