forgetyourusedtobe | Є026 spam/video/text

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[When Elena arrives, she doesn't take to the network right away. Instead, she spends time going through the Barge. She spends a little extra time in the gym, library and the enclosure, but otherwise can be found anywhere and everywhere on board. She's refamiliarizing herself with it, but she's also looking for any familiar faces. She doesn't want them to find out she's back through the network or by word of mouth. She wants to be the one to tell them in person.]

[Admittedly, she's a little nervous. She doesn't know how they'll react to her coming back. While logically she knows they definitely have grounds to be angry for her coming back, she still finds herself with her stomach in knots as she walks through the hallways trying to find people.]

[That doesn't mean, however, she doesn't have time to stop and chat with new faces either. Elena is actually pretty friendly. She approaches any faces she doesn't recognize with a smile, setting aside her worries about her return, and a:] Hey, I don't think we've had a chance to meet yet. I'm Elena.

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[Elena gives a small wave to the camera after she turns it on. She's sitting at her desk with a mug of coffee beside her and her journal open. She hasn't started writing in it yet.]

So, I'm back. I've been back for a couple of hours, but I thought I'd go around and see people before talking on here. Sorry if I missed anyone. You guys are way too good at hiding.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Elena. I used to be an inmate here, but I graduated.

[She hesitates to mention anything about being a vampire. There are definitely some new faces here and she's not entirely sure how they'll take it. But honesty is generally a good policy and she's not likely in any real danger anyway.]

Also for those of you who have come on board since then, I am a vampire. But I don't feed on people.

[There. She did it.]

I hope I get to know all of you. This place is definitely a lot easier if you've got friends.

private - Admiral.

Looks like I arrived just in time. Oddly enough, I don't mind writing this this year.

At the risk of her thinking it's really lame, I'd like for Abigail to have a nice journal so she can write or draw or do whatever she wants with it. I'd also like for her to have a ring. Nothing too fancy, just something simple. I'd also like for her to have a Polaroid camera with plenty of film to get her by for a while. Oh, and I want to get some things for her warden, Ben. Could you give him some books to read? I'm not sure what kind of novels he likes, but I'd say two or three he hasn't read that he will definitely like and then maybe one outside his usual choice.

For Dean, please give him vinyl copies of all his favorite classic rock albums and a player for it. I'd also like for him to have a vervain bracelet. And I'd like for him to have another bottle of Woodford this year. He might not want to necessarily share it, but hopefully he will again some day. And the same for Bond, wherever he is now. (Alcohol, not the music or bracelet, just so we're clear.) For Arkin, I would like for him to have a photo album of his family. I don't know if he still has that body pillow I asked for him last year, but if he doesn't give him another one. If he does, just make sure he gets a new fuzzy cover. Gotta keep up tradition.

For Cassel, get him a magic kit for kids and an EasyBake Oven. And for Chris get him a stack of comics he's missed out on while he's been on the Barge. For Jean can you get her a subscription to a psychology journal? And a piece of art she wouldn't mind hanging in her room or in her office. Give Mal a Keurig with plenty of K-cups in flavors she'll like to last her a year. Last, but not least, can you give Scott a buddy and some new lacrosse gear?

I hope I'm not forgetting anybody, but just in case? For everyone, make sure they get a mug with hot cocoa mix and marshmallows plus a candy cane. And don't be stingy with the ribbons tying the hot cocoa and marshmallow bags to the candy canes either.

And you know what? Give yourself some cookies. Merry Christmas and thank you.

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[Elena looks up at his question, frowning.]

Straight?

[It's not that she doesn't understand the question. She does. But what Elena has a hard time wrapping her head around is how he can or would be willing to neatly and quickly simplify everything. Just because she understands that this isn't the Dean she's used to or knows doesn't mean she's ready to accept that's that.]

I'm clearly not who you think I am, I have no idea who you are, so there's no reason to be looking at me like that.

Straight.

[It's only neat and simple because he fully intends to cut all of this off at the quick. She was here before - there will be plenty of people happy to see her, who know her and are willing to help her settle in. Dean isn't one of them and he has no interest in being one, especially not knowing what he knows.

It isn't why he wants to distance himself, but it's an easy enough explanation, one others will believe readily enough that he'll let it stand as long as it will.]

[Elena doesn't want to just let that be that. It's over-simplifying everything that he's ever meant to her. Just because he's different doesn't mean that all goes away or that she wants it to. After all, he never knew her and yet he had been one of the ones who fought the hardest to make her see that the girl she had been was still in there somewhere. She has to believe the same is true for him.]

[But is he even ready to believe that? Looking at him right now, she doesn't think so. It's possibly that it's just selfish of her to want to believe that instead of trying to accept who he is now and not who he was. But it's also possible that giving into what he wants, telling him that everything is different and it can never be what it was would be taking ten steps backwards. Which is the right way to go with this? Which is best for him and what's best for her?]

[She can't even work this out for herself. She can feel her stomach twisting itself into knots and blinks back a sting in her eyes. How can she work this out in front of him right now while all of this is still sinking in. Elena looks down the hall over his shoulder, purses her lips, and swallows the lump in her throat before she can nod. She has to force her voice to be even. Soft, but even.]

Fine. Yeah. Straight.

[She gets about six steps past him, willing to just let the conversation lie and try to process this, before she stops and turns around.]

Dean, I'm not going to just go away. You know that, right? I can...I can try not to think of you the way I did before, but I can't just walk away. And I'm not going to.

[Dean doesn't want the man he used to be to still be inside of him somewhere; that man was weak, that man was selfish, that man failed. He's done his best to leave that man behind, to box him in and throw him away, to smother him along with the memories that don't do him any good anymore, that can only be used to hurt him.

He misses the way things were - not with her specifically, he honestly doesn't remember her, but back when he was the sort of person that could inspire this kind of stubborn loyalty and deserve it, someone who would have been happy to see her, someone who would have had anything at all to say to the pain he can clearly read in her; he misses it so much some days that he could just lay down and die. And that's why he can never go back: he's figured out how to keep breathing without it, without any of the people that made it worthwhile. He won't survive losing it again, not even the tatters of him that remain intact.

So maybe he's still selfish. Not that it matters anymore. He's about to walk back into his room when she turns and adds that, and he responds by gratuitously rolling his eyes and letting out a harsh breath.]

You're not this stupid. I know you're not, but I'm gonna say it one more time, real slow:

[And he does turn to face her, points at himself, points at her, speaks clearly and slowly as he does so.] I'm not the guy you knew. You don't mean anything to me.

Walking away is your best option. If you can't handle that? That's not my problem. Trust me when I say you don't wanna make it my problem.

[It would be easy to back down from Dean. It would be easy to concede, to apologize. And yet it would still be too hard for Elena to walk away.]

[She's physically more powerful than him, but he is still larger. She stands a little taller and looks him in the eye, trying to seem anything more than a stupid little girl.]

I'm a lot more than you're willing to give me credit for, Dean. If you really think saying the same thing over and over again that I don't mean anything to you is going to hurt me? It's not.

[Which isn't entirely true. It's a punch to the gut every time the words come out of his mouth. She can feel the way it makes her resolve waver and the way it ignites some of her anger. Sometimes it's tempting to latch onto either one, but she keeps herself firmly away from those impulses. She's better than that. What she really means is she won't let it get to her. Not without one hell of a fight. Those are things Dean helped to teach her. She won't turn her back on him or his lessons.]

You're not willing to let me in, that's fine. That's your choice. But it's my choice about whether I stay or walk away. Nothing you say or do is going to change that any more than what I say or do is going to change yours.

[Physically, Dean is still imposing; possibly more than ever with age, with even what few youthful rounded edges remained to him in his 20s sanded away and chipped at, all angles and hard muscle and bone left. He's gained a little healthy weight since his arrival on the Barge, but the end of the world is still starkly visible in him, in the hollows of his cheeks and eyes, the ridges of his knuckles and the straightness of his back.

He's neither angry nor stupid enough to try to physically threaten her, but only because he remembers she's not human. There is more danger to being around him than just what he has to offer in and of himself, though, but no one who hasn't seen it ever believes that. She's already almost crying and he hasn't even done anything. She's already upset and he hasn't even done anything.

It's okay, he promises himself. Things only come after the people around him if they're important to him. All he has to do is not care. (All he can do is not care.) He snorts.]

Fine. But I'm not taking responsibility for anything past this point. Final answer.

[She won't turn her back on him, but he turns away from her. His door is unlocked - there are wards she won't be able to follow him over even if she could get around the invitation - and he goes through it without looking back again.]

[Elena doesn't even think to follow him. She lets him walk away because like she said, that's his choice. She can't force a friendship he doesn't want. She does linger outside his door for a while, however, first staring at it and then at the floor.]

[She's trying hard to wrap her head around this, trying to figure out what could have happened to him to make him this way without all the information. Unsurprisingly, she's coming up empty-handed. The only thing, she thinks, she can do is just try not to dwell on it. There are other people to see, people who will hopefully remember and want her around.]

[Finally, she turns and walks away.]

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