forgetyourusedtobe | Є026 spam/video/text

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[When Elena arrives, she doesn't take to the network right away. Instead, she spends time going through the Barge. She spends a little extra time in the gym, library and the enclosure, but otherwise can be found anywhere and everywhere on board. She's refamiliarizing herself with it, but she's also looking for any familiar faces. She doesn't want them to find out she's back through the network or by word of mouth. She wants to be the one to tell them in person.]

[Admittedly, she's a little nervous. She doesn't know how they'll react to her coming back. While logically she knows they definitely have grounds to be angry for her coming back, she still finds herself with her stomach in knots as she walks through the hallways trying to find people.]

[That doesn't mean, however, she doesn't have time to stop and chat with new faces either. Elena is actually pretty friendly. She approaches any faces she doesn't recognize with a smile, setting aside her worries about her return, and a:] Hey, I don't think we've had a chance to meet yet. I'm Elena.

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[Elena gives a small wave to the camera after she turns it on. She's sitting at her desk with a mug of coffee beside her and her journal open. She hasn't started writing in it yet.]

So, I'm back. I've been back for a couple of hours, but I thought I'd go around and see people before talking on here. Sorry if I missed anyone. You guys are way too good at hiding.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Elena. I used to be an inmate here, but I graduated.

[She hesitates to mention anything about being a vampire. There are definitely some new faces here and she's not entirely sure how they'll take it. But honesty is generally a good policy and she's not likely in any real danger anyway.]

Also for those of you who have come on board since then, I am a vampire. But I don't feed on people.

[There. She did it.]

I hope I get to know all of you. This place is definitely a lot easier if you've got friends.

private - Admiral.

Looks like I arrived just in time. Oddly enough, I don't mind writing this this year.

At the risk of her thinking it's really lame, I'd like for Abigail to have a nice journal so she can write or draw or do whatever she wants with it. I'd also like for her to have a ring. Nothing too fancy, just something simple. I'd also like for her to have a Polaroid camera with plenty of film to get her by for a while. Oh, and I want to get some things for her warden, Ben. Could you give him some books to read? I'm not sure what kind of novels he likes, but I'd say two or three he hasn't read that he will definitely like and then maybe one outside his usual choice.

For Dean, please give him vinyl copies of all his favorite classic rock albums and a player for it. I'd also like for him to have a vervain bracelet. And I'd like for him to have another bottle of Woodford this year. He might not want to necessarily share it, but hopefully he will again some day. And the same for Bond, wherever he is now. (Alcohol, not the music or bracelet, just so we're clear.) For Arkin, I would like for him to have a photo album of his family. I don't know if he still has that body pillow I asked for him last year, but if he doesn't give him another one. If he does, just make sure he gets a new fuzzy cover. Gotta keep up tradition.

For Cassel, get him a magic kit for kids and an EasyBake Oven. And for Chris get him a stack of comics he's missed out on while he's been on the Barge. For Jean can you get her a subscription to a psychology journal? And a piece of art she wouldn't mind hanging in her room or in her office. Give Mal a Keurig with plenty of K-cups in flavors she'll like to last her a year. Last, but not least, can you give Scott a buddy and some new lacrosse gear?

I hope I'm not forgetting anybody, but just in case? For everyone, make sure they get a mug with hot cocoa mix and marshmallows plus a candy cane. And don't be stingy with the ribbons tying the hot cocoa and marshmallow bags to the candy canes either.

And you know what? Give yourself some cookies. Merry Christmas and thank you.

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[It's really just the tip of the iceberg. There are times when Elena allows herself to think about it where she has to marvel at the fact it's real and she isn't just going insane. And then there are days when insanity seems almost preferable to the reality of her life and her world.]

Yeah. [She nods.] That's how Katherine killed Jeremy.

[Elena looks down at her hands in her lap where she's wringing her fingers.]

She basically fed him to Silas.

What?

[She can't help it; it's shocking, disgusting, cruel. It sounds like every person who's ever broken her trust.]

[Letting her hand rest on top of Elena's, she shakes her head.]

God. I'm . . . so sorry, Elena.

[It'd be a lie to say she doesn't understand how anyone could be like that; of course she does. Desperation makes people do crazy, dangerous things. But they shouldn't. Not to Elena, she thinks selfishly; not to somebody so important.]

I have to fix this, [she says with a slow nod, confirming her own words to herself.] If I can save Jeremy and keep Silas in his tomb...

[She can't say that everything will be fine. There's no way of knowing that. Elena can't even say that things will be better. But Jeremy will be alive. She might even be able to keep him safe, undo everything that she did.]

I don't want the cure. I know that has to sound crazy, but I am who I am now. All I care about is getting my brother back and fixing the mess that I made.

[The mess she was a part of, at the very least.]

It doesn't sound crazy, Elena, it sounds like you're not relying on magic to fix all of your problems. And that's good. That's healthy.

[She laces her fingers with Elena's and rests her chin on her shoulder.]

So you're just going to get one deal and go home, huh?

That's the plan.

[But Elena knows better than most that plans don't always go exactly how you expect or want them to. Especially on the Barge. Things happen because life doesn't just hit the pause button on you while you're here no matter how far removed you feel from it.]

[And Abigail gets that, too. More than that, she gets Elena.]

[For a long time, Elena thought that Stefan understood her the most. There was even a brief period of time, without the sire bond, she thought there were things about her that Damon understood better than Stefan. She thinks that might be why she's loved them both in the past in different ways and still does. Not in the way she used to, not as strongly as before, but she still cares about them even after everything. Even when she shouldn't. (Because that's who she is.) But Abigail trumps the both of them, trumps every single person she's ever known because Abigail saw the ugliest sides of Elena and didn't shy or turn away. She doesn't act like they aren't there. She doesn't look at Elena as someone in need of saving or who will save her. She just sees and knows Elena.]

[She gives Abigail's hand a small squeeze, and with her free hand, smooths some of her hair back before pressing a kiss to the top of her head.]

I missed you. I didn't say it earlier, but I did.

[It makes her stomach feel incredibly empty, makes her heart hurt. She doesn't want Elena to go again. But she doesn't want to go with her, either. Even if she did graduate, she has things to do back in her own world. Elena's home will never be her home. They'll never be together forever.]

[A year ago, if you'd asked her, she wouldn't have ever thought that being with someone forever would be a priority. But now . . .]

[She sighs and leans into Elena's caress.]

You didn't have to say it. I knew.

I missed you too. It hasn't been quiet here, but it's been lonely.

[Staying together forever is something that was on Elena's mind for a very long time. You don't just start to date a vampire and not think about it. It seemed feasible and entirely believable at first. Maybe not right away, but it didn't seem like such an impossible idea that two people could stay together forever.]

[But she grew up. She saw that people change. Sometimes for the best and sometimes for the worst, but unless those people change together? It falls apart. Forever doesn't exist in that case.]

[She's not sure what will become of her and Abigail. If it will last beyond today into tomorrow. But that's not something she tries to focus on. She focuses more on the here and now. She focuses on today. Because that's another thing she's learned since she started to finally really grow up (or maybe because forever chose her instead of the other way around). Things come and go so quickly that if you're not careful, if you're too focused on the past or too worried about the future, you'll miss what's right in front of you. And if there's one person, one thing she doesn't want to miss, it's Abigail and what they have.]

[Elena draws a steadying breath and smiles. She feels so much better. So much more connected and grounded.]

I'm here now though. We don't have to miss each other anymore.

[Sometimes Abigail gets so caught up in her own head that she forgets that the future hasn't come yet. That most of the time, there's nothing she can do to change or control it. That the last few times she's tried to put her thumb on the future, someone's taken advantage of her fears and anxieties and hurt her for it.]

[She doesn't believe that living in the now will solve all of her problems. Far from it. But she does believe that it can't be worse than what she was already doing. She believes, too, that she has more to learn from Elena than she could ever express. The girl is wiser and kinder and more than anyone else Abigail's ever met, and she wants to make her proud.]

[So when Elena smiles and says now, Abigail smiles back, a little watery but all there, all focused on this beautiful woman who she never honestly thought she'd see again.]

Yeah. We don't have to.

We should celebrate.

[Elena tips her head to the side for a moment in thought before a large grin emerges. She notices the wateriness in Abigail's eyes and thinks the two of them have had enough with tears and near-tears for a little while at least]

Well, we could go to the pub, steal some champagne, listen to loud music, and get incredibly drunk?

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