forgetyourusedtobe | Є021 spam

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[Since writing in her diary, Elena hasn't been able to touch it. She had taken to writing into it every day again after she turned her humanity back on. It's helped her keep herself afloat, express things that she knows she needs to so she never feels herself pushed back in the wrong direction again. But she's still feeling a little too empty and numb from Dean's departure. She's handling it better than she thought she would. But there's still just something so very important and essential missing now. She tells herself it will take time and she halfway believes herself.]

[Today, Elena is attempting to write in her diary. She's moved out from her room and is sitting on the deck with it. Her back is against the arm of one of the benches, knees brought close so she has something to write on. But all she's managed is the date. After a while, she closes it and lowers her legs, tucking the diary and her pen underneath them and instead decides to watch the sky above.]

[Eventually, she goes to the library and plucks out the copy of Pride and Prejudice she might as well just keep with how many times she's taken it off the shelf. She used to love it. Then she hated it. Now it was just something familiar and she was content enough to curl up with it in one of the chairs. She doesn't even bother to put it down once she gets hungry enough to make her way to the mess hall. Elena's senses are sharp enough that she can multitask reading and not crashing into anyone in the hallways. She takes her pint of blood substitute and makes her way back to her cabin. Elena's still not one to drink in front of other people if only because she knows it's probably off-putting and likely nauseating to them.]

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[Ben is especially vigilant during mealtimes when he isn't in any condition to be in the kitchens. Abigail is still there, so he positions himself amongst the tables and he watches the other passengers, and whether or not he's death tolling, Ben will still allow nothing to happen to her while he is still upright and aware.

As much as that hadn't helped on that other Barge, there it is.

And in turn, Elena is one of the people that Ben watches most closely; she is important to Abigail and, from what he can tell, one of the few people that actually has her best interests in mind. So he watches her not only because of her inherent influence over his inmate, but because he will support her if he can. He suspects, however, that whatever has had her wandering all over the Barge lately is not within his power to alleviate.

Nonetheless he follows her just outside of the dining hall, just away from the noise of inside but where he can still see through the doors, before trying to interrupt her. He's halfway through his own death toll so he is still pale and fatigued, his chest still aches where the shot that killed him ripped through, but his constitution keeps him upright and more or less unflinching.]

Hello, Elena.

[Elena stops at the sound of her name, more than the greeting itself. Turning, she's clearly taken aback. Frankly, Ben looks like hell chewed him up and spat him back out. It doesn't take super senses to notice that, but she can see the small twinges of pain that he has under near perfect control anyone else might not notice. He looks like he should be sitting down, not following after her.]

[And the worst part of it is who he looks like. Elena glances down and away for a moment before she's able to smile even a little and return her gaze back to Ben.]

Hey, Ben. Was there something you needed? I was just going to...

[She gestures vaguely with the covered cup in her hand.]

[Though upon reconsideration, she's pretty sure that Ben doesn't care much about that if at all. At least, she can't picture it bothering him at all.]

[The fact of the matter is that Ben and Dean Winchester have been completely ignoring each others' existence for so long, and Ben is so accustomed to genetic clones as a way of life, that he forgets who it is he does look like more often than not. Every now and again someone will remind him but overall, he doesn't think about it.

So he sees her flinch, he sees her distress and wonders at it, but it's not his place to know and she doesn't say. He waits instead, and when she gestures with the cup, he glances at it without seeming much bothered by it. He's really not. Not anymore.]

Not necessarily. We haven't spoken since your return, and I just thought...

Many are distressed after everything that's happened. So I wanted to remedy our mutual silence, and check if I may be of assistance in some way.

Oh.

[Elena says it with some measure of surprise though she's not sure what she's surprised about. Generally speaking, Ben has been nothing but kind to her if a little bit odd and awkward. And he's important to Abigail. More than just being her warden, he's a friend to her.]

[Elena gives a small shake of her head.]

No, I'm fine. I think all things considered, I walked away from it alright. Thanks for checking though. I uh... I definitely didn't mean to not talk to you. I guess I just wasn't sure if, you know. That was okay.

[She shifts and is clearly a little embarrassed. Saying it out loud, that sounds dumb to her.]

It is okay. You returned at a... trying time, and we were never close. I am not offended.

[But if Elena is embarrassed, Ben is unconcerned with it: he isn't known for his conversation, not outside a certain circle. He doesn't often seek to interact directly with people for no reason, and he isn't surprised when the same is true in reverse.

Their connection is, of course, Abigail. He's aware of it, and instead of shaking his head, blinks slowly, almost carelessly.]

Though I admit also to entertaining the idea of remedying that, if you are willing. I suspect that you have protected Abigail as much as I have, and that is no small reason for me to think highly of you.

[Elena doesn't answer immediately. Normally when someone extends a friendship, she has no problem accepting it even if the other person doesn't necessarily deserve it. But things between Elena and Abigail are a little more complicated than they were when she left. It's not that they don't still love each other. Elena knows she loves Abigail and she feels somewhere deep inside herself that Abigail feels the same way, but Abigail's also been somewhat hurt by Elena's decision to return.]

[Elena had hoped that Abigail could or would understand why she came back, but she didn't. She didn't even seem to really try to understand. Elena wasn't resentful towards her for it, however. She decided instead to remain patient. To let Abigail come around on her own.]

[Becoming friends with her warden might not help facilitate that. Not that she sees Abigail necessarily or outright objecting, but there's a chance for stepped toes here that Elena has to consider.]

I'm not unwilling, but I don't want to do anything Abigail wouldn't be comfortable with. She's... We're... [Oh to hell with it.] Things are just a little complicated right now between the two of us since I came back. Because I came back.

Of course.

[Ben has been blessed, in many regards, in relation to Abigail: she doesn't seem to view him as overlapping with anyone, at least not in a negative way. He knows she tolerated Anya because of his trust in her, but by the same token the distrust Abigail had for Anya was not because of Ben's actions on the Mirror Barge although it easily could have been. He seems to hold his own place in her consideration, separate from others, and he is less surprised by this than by knowing what to do with it.

The answer, of course, is he does nothing with it. It's not his to put to use. It is merely a fact, one that allows him to wait patiently while Elena considers and finally answers. The X5 nods.]

I do not claim to understand what may have passed between you before, nor after, and I do not wish to influence Abigail in any way, either intentionally or unintentionally. She has enough people vying for her loyalty for reasons of their own.

I am capable of respecting both of your wishes. Has she approached you?

Yeah.

[Elena nods a little, though this approaching has only been recent. It seems that the two of them were giving the other some space and perhaps it was needed, perhaps it wasn't. Either way, Elena's sure that they're going to be okay and it's only going to be a matter of time until then. She does not, of course, give voice to any of this to Ben. She doesn't think it would particularly interest him in any case.]

We still talk. It's just... I don't know, a little awkward right now is all. I missed a lot.

You missed a lot, and it is always very strange when individuals return. It changes nothing that went before or in between - either positive or negative - but will take time to adjust to the new arrangement.

If you are both willing to allow it.

[He suspects Abigail will be, but on her own terms, which he's willing to work around. She has a history of attaching herself to people she's fascinated by even if she knows it's not a healthy choice, and he knows she is fascinated by Elena. Her curiosity will win her over in the end, and if Ben is wrong about this being a healthier choice than most, he will stand by to do whatever he needs to do to preserve her right to choose that path anyway.

It is, perhaps, a counter-intuitive way to warden, but Abigail responds to being smothered by becoming too volatile to contain. She is far more likely to listen to sense if she still has the option to be foolish.]

She has not mentioned you to me yet, but she knows that I know. She will only speak to me if she becomes too uncertain to find her way, or if she intends to use your relationship with her as some manner of test, either for her or for me. I would take her silence as a positive sign.

[With anyone else, that might not be a positive sign. That might be a sign of someone withdrawing and evaporating before Elena's very eyes who wants nothing more to do with her. But when it comes to Abigail, she knows her better than that. She only speaks when she has her doubts.]

We've been through worse than this. [Like when Elena broke her promise to help her go after Hannibal and Abigail went on that small murder spree. Or when Elena turned her humanity back on and everything changed.] We'll be okay whichever way things go. She knows I'm not going to pressure her.

I don't exactly trust her to always make the right decision, but I trust her to do what she feels is right. Part of being with her is letting her do that and being okay with it.

[Elena smiles, glancing down for a moment.]

But you obviously already know that.

[She takes a sip of her cup.]

[If Abigail were withdrawing, if she had decided to have no more to do with someone, it would be obvious. Ben has often had cause to wonder if Abigail is capable of recognizing how truly deliberate she has the capacity to be: if it is instinctive, or if she must make the conscious decision, or both.

Ben smiles back. It's small, understated, but warm enough for what it is.]

I am glad she has someone else that understands this about her. I am even more glad that she recognized it about you on her own.

She is capable of sound decisions, left to her own counsel.

[And speaking of which, he'd already said he would back off until Abigail had decided where she and Elena stand for herself, or at least has a better idea. So he nods to Elena's cup, and takes a small step back towards the dining hall.]

I will not further detain you. Thank you for speaking with me, and know that I am pleased to see you again, even if we are not well acquainted.

[Elena smiles and nods, thinking there's probably not much point in telling Ben that he wasn't that much of a bother.]

Yeah, it was nice talking to you, too. I'll see you around.

[She gives him a small wave and turns, leaving with her lunch and book.]

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