forgetyourusedtobe | Є026 spam/video/text

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Є026 spam/video/text

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[When Elena arrives, she doesn't take to the network right away. Instead, she spends time going through the Barge. She spends a little extra time in the gym, library and the enclosure, but otherwise can be found anywhere and everywhere on board. She's refamiliarizing herself with it, but she's also looking for any familiar faces. She doesn't want them to find out she's back through the network or by word of mouth. She wants to be the one to tell them in person.]

[Admittedly, she's a little nervous. She doesn't know how they'll react to her coming back. While logically she knows they definitely have grounds to be angry for her coming back, she still finds herself with her stomach in knots as she walks through the hallways trying to find people.]

[That doesn't mean, however, she doesn't have time to stop and chat with new faces either. Elena is actually pretty friendly. She approaches any faces she doesn't recognize with a smile, setting aside her worries about her return, and a:] Hey, I don't think we've had a chance to meet yet. I'm Elena.

video.

[Elena gives a small wave to the camera after she turns it on. She's sitting at her desk with a mug of coffee beside her and her journal open. She hasn't started writing in it yet.]

So, I'm back. I've been back for a couple of hours, but I thought I'd go around and see people before talking on here. Sorry if I missed anyone. You guys are way too good at hiding.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Elena. I used to be an inmate here, but I graduated.

[She hesitates to mention anything about being a vampire. There are definitely some new faces here and she's not entirely sure how they'll take it. But honesty is generally a good policy and she's not likely in any real danger anyway.]

Also for those of you who have come on board since then, I am a vampire. But I don't feed on people.

[There. She did it.]

I hope I get to know all of you. This place is definitely a lot easier if you've got friends.

private - Admiral.

Looks like I arrived just in time. Oddly enough, I don't mind writing this this year.

At the risk of her thinking it's really lame, I'd like for Abigail to have a nice journal so she can write or draw or do whatever she wants with it. I'd also like for her to have a ring. Nothing too fancy, just something simple. I'd also like for her to have a Polaroid camera with plenty of film to get her by for a while. Oh, and I want to get some things for her warden, Ben. Could you give him some books to read? I'm not sure what kind of novels he likes, but I'd say two or three he hasn't read that he will definitely like and then maybe one outside his usual choice.

For Dean, please give him vinyl copies of all his favorite classic rock albums and a player for it. I'd also like for him to have a vervain bracelet. And I'd like for him to have another bottle of Woodford this year. He might not want to necessarily share it, but hopefully he will again some day. And the same for Bond, wherever he is now. (Alcohol, not the music or bracelet, just so we're clear.) For Arkin, I would like for him to have a photo album of his family. I don't know if he still has that body pillow I asked for him last year, but if he doesn't give him another one. If he does, just make sure he gets a new fuzzy cover. Gotta keep up tradition.

For Cassel, get him a magic kit for kids and an EasyBake Oven. And for Chris get him a stack of comics he's missed out on while he's been on the Barge. For Jean can you get her a subscription to a psychology journal? And a piece of art she wouldn't mind hanging in her room or in her office. Give Mal a Keurig with plenty of K-cups in flavors she'll like to last her a year. Last, but not least, can you give Scott a buddy and some new lacrosse gear?

I hope I'm not forgetting anybody, but just in case? For everyone, make sure they get a mug with hot cocoa mix and marshmallows plus a candy cane. And don't be stingy with the ribbons tying the hot cocoa and marshmallow bags to the candy canes either.

And you know what? Give yourself some cookies. Merry Christmas and thank you.

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[Elena feels her breath get caught in her throat when she finds Abigail. Of all the people on the Barge, she had been looking for Abigail the most.]

[Her life didn't come a screeching halt without Abigail. Abigail wouldn't want that for her and Elena would be pretty mad at herself if that she allowed that to happen anyway. But she did miss Abigail. She missed her a lot. And there weren't exactly a whole lot of people she could talk to about it. Especially not with everything else that was happening in her life where she last left off.]

[Elena lets the breath go finally and smiles.]

Hey... Thought I'd find you here.

I didn't think I'd find you anywhere.

[She's breathless, too, feeling lost and a little confused and totally unsure what to do. Whether to run away or run forward into Elena's arms, to yell at her for coming back again or tell her she's making the right decision. In the end she doesn't make any choices, just stands with one hand cupping her elbow and looking at the floor by Elena's feet.]

I missed you. Did something - did something bad happen?

[Elena shakes her head a little.]

I mean. Not yet. Not really.

[She draws a deep sigh and shakes her head. Mystic Falls remaining normal and calm without some kind of calamity striking every other week would probably be a sign that the world itself was about to implode.]

It's a long, complicated story. But I just... I really need my brother back.

[In the midst of her confusion and distress, a statement like that is enough to get Abigail to roll her eyes. She likes Elena - she loves Elena - but if they can't be honest with each other after everything they've been through together, they don't have much.]

Do you see anybody trying to hurry you out of here? I think we've got the time. And I think you owe me.

[For leaving in the first place. For coming back.]

[Elena worries her lower lip before she nods a little, looking at the ground. Abigail is right. She does owe Abigail that much. Possibly more even if Abigail won't necessarily come to collect.]

[Elena draws a deep breath and her hands come up in front of her. She gets momentarily distracted, however, as she becomes consciously aware of how always talks more with her hands when she's nervous or not sure of how to talk about something. She frowns at her hands, turning her right hand into a loose fist. Rapping her knuckles against her left palm, she lowers her hands and lets the breath go.]

We've never really talked much about how Jeremy died before...

[She mentioned it, flippantly, when her humanity was off. But she never explained everything surrounding the cure. Her own way of protecting herself, she supposes. The less thought she put into Jeremy dying, the easier it was to keep everything held back.]

Can we -- [She raises her gaze back up to Abgail. She smiles, but it's a nervous response.] Can we not do this in the library? Can we go to your cabin? It's closer, isn't it?

[Elena can't remember. Or she's a little too much of...whatever this sudden energy is to remember.]

[Either way, this just isn't a conversation she wants to do in a public space.]

I just-- I'd rather not...

[Elena purses her lips. She needs to stop talking. At least for the next couple of minutes.]

[The annoyance falls away, just like that, in the face of Elena's vulnerability. It's not gone, not all the way, but there are more important things that come in front of it. Concern, a sense of loss, a sense of guilt, too, for having brought up something that needed bringing up but that hurts all the same. She'd think that Elena's deliberately trying to distract her, with all the body language and the nervousness, except that it's Elena, who never does that. Who's never tried to trick Abigail in all the time they've known each other. Not even back when her emotions were off. They were always honest with each other. Always.]

[It's Abigail's job to protect her now, to take care of her. To give her space to tell the story that Abigail needs to hear.]

[She nods, crisply, efficiently, all business-like now that she has something to do, someone to help. Stepping closer, she takes Elena's hand and leads her out of the library.]

You can take your time.

[That's all she says. And then she lets there be silence.]

[Elena's grateful for the silence and doesn't say anything as they leave the library and make their way to Abigail's cabin. She's even more grateful for the hand to hold. It's hard for her to gauge how cold her own hand is. All she really knows is that Abigail's is warm and a comfort. Even after they get to her cabin and sit down, she doesn't let go. It feels...safer that way.]

[It feels like a lifetime before she finally figures out how to start explaining all of this to Abigail, but only seconds have truly passed by once they've settled down.]

The first person that I killed was named Connor. I killed him before I turned my humanity off because he tried to go after my brother.

[She doesn't regret killing Connor to protect her brother, but she still feels guilt and shame over it all the same. It's not something she's really worked through to figure out how she feels about it, but she thinks most days that's probably for the best. The next part is a little easier to talk about.]

I didn't know it at the time because Stefan was keeping it from me, but Connor was one of the Five. Each of the hunters in the Five have a tattoo that only other or potential members could see called the Hunter's Mark. It acts as a map to the cure, but hunters don't get the whole mark. A hunter only starts to get the mark after one has died and after he's killed a vampire.

[She heaves a heavy sigh. If Stefan hadn't kept it from her, things might have been different. Jeremy might have been safe from all of this and she could have kept him out of it. But maybe not.]

Jeremy could see the Mark.

[She settles in close to Elena, as close as she can. Elena isn't really warm, but she's comfortable and soft and - Abigail's just missed her. All of her, her words and her eyes and her hair and the gentle way she shifts her weight against Abigail when she's worried.]

[Abigail is suddenly struck by the errant thought that she should have brought snacks. This is looking like it might turn into a long conversation.]

[The strange thing is she's never really thought hard about Elena killing someone. That or it just never bothered her before. Because it's obvious, Elena must have killed people, lots of people - but once it didn't matter to Abigail. Once, Abigail might even have thought they deserved it.]

[Now she doesn't feel bad for the people that Elena killed; she just feels bad that Elena was in a place where she had to kill them. Or felt she had to.]

[She listens carefully to the explanation. It all seems incredibly complicated until the last thing Elena says, the final point, which makes her stomach feel all of a sudden like an icy pit.]

So - he was, he was a hunter.

[Elena nods.]

When you kill a hunter, if you're a vampire, you start to hallucinate. You hallucinate the worst things. Things bad enough that you don't want to live anymore. That you'll do anything just to make the pain stop. I was... I was pretty close to killing myself before the hallucinations stopped.

[Elena feels a small stinging behind her eyes at the memory of it. She had felt lower than that since then, but there was a particular pain behind it that she couldn't really describe to Abigail. To believe that the people you loved thought you had become a monster, to have your enemies confirm that, and it to be an unrelenting chorus chanting for you to just end it. To make things right and die like you should have time and time again while others took your place for you.]

They only stopped because Jeremy killed a vampire and started the Mark. He did it to save me, but it made things even more complicated.

[This, too, strikes her in the belly - under the ribs, below the heart. Elena hurts, and Abigail hurts with her; Elena describes her remembrance of pain, and Abigail feels as though all she's ever felt is pain, for the entirety of her life. It's like being suspended in amber, only the amber aches and crawls into your mouth and nose, and you can never escape it.]

[She doesn't say any of this to Elena - can't, shouldn't, wouldn't - just hugs her tighter, holds her closer, arm around her shoulders.]

Complicated how?

[Elena is grateful for the tighter hold in ways that she can't express. It keeps her grounded. Present. Just subtly, she shifts a little closer and breathes in Abigail's scent.]

He started to hate vampires. [There's what feels like a long lapse of silence.] All of them.

Oh, god.

[This whispered, almost silent. But loud enough that Elena'll hear it. Elena can hear anything.]

Oh, god, Elena, I'm so sorry. I know - I know, that doesn't mean anything, but I just . . .

[Elena shakes her head a little. She turns her head enough to press a quick kiss to Abigail's cheek before resting her head against hers. It means something. It doesn't change facts, but it does mean something.]

He got it under control, he found an anchor with Bonnie. But he still had to finish the Mark.

[And she couldn't feel more like the worst sister in the world. She hadn't thought of what she was asking of her little brother, not on a deep enough level that she put her foot down strong enough. Not that she necessarily could put her foot down strong enough to stop Jeremy if that was really what he wanted to do, but she should have tried more. She was just too focused on trying to get him to stop inherently hating her and then try to find a way to speed the process up, she...]

[She was so selfish.]

[Elena covers her mouth with a hand and focuses on her breath. A slow one in...and out.]

[Abigail leans over, presses her forehead against Elena's and breathes in and out, slow and deep.]

You hate seeing him hurt.

[She can't imagine what it's like. She can't even think. She's never had a brother or sister; she doesn't understand the urge to protect them that Elena has. Even if she didn't, she doesn't think she could comprehend the bond that Elena and Jeremy have.]

[That's why she doesn't feel equipped to help now. But she's got to try.]

[Elena is quite for a good long while after that. She doesn't need to confirm what Abigail already knows.]

His life got so screwed up because of me.

[It's not said with an ounce of pity for herself. The only person Elena feels pity for is Jeremy. He got caught up in the storm that was her life and it ended up ending his. It's not fair to Jeremy. It never has been. It never will be.]

[She squeezes Elena around the shoulders, pulls her closer, even though it feels like they can't get any closer than they are already.]

Your life got screwed up, too.

[No, she thinks, it was screwed up from the start. The minute she was born, her life was exactly the way it was always going to be. There was no other way around it. She was the doppelganger. But Elena doesn't say this to Abigail and just accepts the comfort as it is.]

He should have never been put in that position. I should have... I don't know, I should have done something. Anything other than let him get involved. We could have found other hunters.

[There were presumably five out there. Five out of how many people on Earth? But anything would have been better than putting Jeremy in harm's way. If she had just been thinking straight, not put herself ahead of her little brother.]

[She squeezes Elena's hand.]

You blame yourself for so much. [Not judgmental; just observant. This is just a true thing about Elena.]

Tell me the rest?

[It is a true thing about Elena and it isn't a thing she would change about herself ever. She went through her period of blaming everyone and everything else. That was enough for her and for everyone else.]

[She continues,] He killed an Original. When you kill an Original, you kill every vampire they've turned and every vampire they've turned until the whole line is wiped out.

[Elena doesn't think she needs to explain how that was the very quick and dirty way of finishing the Mark. It was a dangerous shortcut, but she thought it would be better. They couldn't kill Klaus (because he was the head of their line) or Rebekah (because Klaus would lose it more than he would over his brothers) and she wouldn't think to kill Elijah. So, Kol was really the only choice.]

The only thing left to do was to find the cure itself, but it was...stuck.

Stuck?

[Rubbing Elena's shoulders, she gives her a puzzled look.]

Stuck how?

Silas. He was a witch and the first immortal being. He came up with spell with Qetsiyah. But he was cheating on her, so she sealed him and the cure. The only way to get to the cure is by waking him up.

But if he woke up, he would bring back every single supernatural being that ever died.

[Including a lot of very angry and pissed off vampires, werewolves, and hybrids. Sure, it would bring back a few people she wouldn't mind seeing again like Bonnie's Grams or Alaric or even Jeremy, but that little good does not outweigh putting the whole world at risk.]

We didn't think it was real. We thought it was just a myth that got spread around like the Curse of the Sun and the Moon. Not even most of the Originals believed it was true.

[Privately, Abigail thinks to herself that Elena's world is super weird and she would not live there for love or money. She doesn't say this aloud, though.]

But it was real.

[It's really just the tip of the iceberg. There are times when Elena allows herself to think about it where she has to marvel at the fact it's real and she isn't just going insane. And then there are days when insanity seems almost preferable to the reality of her life and her world.]

Yeah. [She nods.] That's how Katherine killed Jeremy.

[Elena looks down at her hands in her lap where she's wringing her fingers.]

She basically fed him to Silas.

What?

[She can't help it; it's shocking, disgusting, cruel. It sounds like every person who's ever broken her trust.]

[Letting her hand rest on top of Elena's, she shakes her head.]

God. I'm . . . so sorry, Elena.

[It'd be a lie to say she doesn't understand how anyone could be like that; of course she does. Desperation makes people do crazy, dangerous things. But they shouldn't. Not to Elena, she thinks selfishly; not to somebody so important.]

I have to fix this, [she says with a slow nod, confirming her own words to herself.] If I can save Jeremy and keep Silas in his tomb...

[She can't say that everything will be fine. There's no way of knowing that. Elena can't even say that things will be better. But Jeremy will be alive. She might even be able to keep him safe, undo everything that she did.]

I don't want the cure. I know that has to sound crazy, but I am who I am now. All I care about is getting my brother back and fixing the mess that I made.

[The mess she was a part of, at the very least.]

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